Happy Hump Day! Today we're lightening the mood from yesterday's wage equality post to bring you a bunch of witty comebacks I wasn't smart enough to come up with in the heat of the moment.
You know those times where you leave an argument or a meeting or even just a discussion through text or email with someone and think to yourself "GOSH, I really wish I'd said xyz"? Now you've had all the time in the world to think about how that interaction could have gone and all the great comebacks you could have used.
For the record, I hate this. These coulda shoulda woulda scenarios haunt me. I'm working on it.
So, I thought I'd write a hopefully fun (or at least funny) post about all the things I wish I'd said during certain conversations/scenarios in my life. Here we go...
- When a previous boss wrote in my annual review and told me that I was "too decisive"
What I actually said: "Okay, I'll take that into consideration."
What I wish I'd said: "Thank you for your opinion on that matter, although it's incorrect and invalid. Firstly, you would never sit here and tell a man that he was 'too decisive', so I have a real problem with you saying it to me, a woman. Secondly, I don't really think there is such a thing... I realize that you're incapable of making a decision without every single person and their mother's opinion on the subject, so I understand that my decision making abilities make you uncomfortable, but that is in no way, shape, or form, my problem. Also, being decisive is not a negative trait."
All the sass.
- When a boy hits on you (me) and you (I) are very much taken
What I actually said: I don't really remember, but I certainly didn't say the right thing, lesson learned the hard way
What I wish I'd said: "Although I'm flattered, I'm in a relationship that I'm very happy with" Shut that ish down, ladies.
- When Justin and I ran into (like literally, walked right into) Marshawn Lynch coming out of dinner one night
What I actually said: Nothing, I didn't even catch on that it was Lynch until Justin said "What's up Marshawn?" and Lynch said "Sup?!" and walked past us.
What I wish I'd said: Abso-fucking-lutely anything at all.
- When I died my hair brown (yupp, totally did that) in college and a guy in one of my classes said "Did you dye your hair? You shouldn't have done that. You looked better blonde."
What I actually said: "Umm, thanks?!?!"
What I wish I'd said: "Although I would generally welcome opinions on my looks from people I don't really know at all... oh wait, that's a lie. I did not ask you for your opinion which means the only opinion you're allowed to share is a positive one, about how great my new hair color looks. And also, go to H-E-double hockey sticks."
- Literally any time Justin and I have any sort of argument what-so-ever
What I usually say: Nothing, I shake my head in pure astonishment that this argument is not going the way it had played out in my head
What I wish I'd say: "No, no, honey, that's not what you're supposed to say. I have already had this fight 12045609 times in my head and you're not following your script. Therefore I don't know how to respond to you... how can I use my comebacks if you don't follow the script??"
I'm sure that will go over smashingly.
This should be hilarious, please oh please leave lots of "I wish I'd said" moments in the comments. Really, it'll make my day to read that I'm not the only one who rehashes conversations wishing I could just throw in my jabs after the fact.