It all started when I thought "oh crap, I probably need a strapless bra for my bridal dress shopping this weekend." Which evolved into "oh shit, I should definitely also get some nude spanks." That's how it started, you see.
I purposefully waited until a day where I was actually feeling pretty damn good about my body. I'd had eggs and avocado for breakfast, broccoli rabe and avocado for lunch and a ton of water. Not to mention it was Wednesday and I'd worked out every day since Saturday. This was the perfect day to go bra and Spanx shopping. HA. There is no such thing.
I did my research online on the shapewear side of things and decided that the actual Spanx brand is definitely what I wanted to go with.
Tip 1: Do your research.
I also looked online at the sizing charts. No one wants to be stuck trying something on that really doesn't fit, so this was key. The sizing chart suggested I'm a small but I thought - I know better. I could literally hear Fat Amy saying "mmm, better not" as I was eyeing the size smalls in Nordys. I grabbed a medium just to be safe.
Tip 2: Grab a size up. JUST DO IT.
Then I couldn't get the size mediums over my thighs in the dressing room and this is when the tears literally welled up in my eyes. How fatty fat fat must one be to not even be able to get Spanx ON?!?!
Tip 3: Ignore how you look without clothes on over the Spanx.
"Sales lady - please grab me a size up." THANK GOODNESS, she went "oh, are those a small, I'll grab a medium" - at least I looked small?! But no, a size large please. She does and thank goodness they fit but damn do they look awful!
"Put your clothes over them, Samantha. Put your clothes on over them, Samantha!!!!" Oh, phew, that helped a bit.
Tip 4: Ask the expert if they fit correctly.
I literally do this every time I shop for bras as well (bonus tip, only ever buy your bras at Nordstrom. I know they're expensive, but they're worth every penny and when you don't like them a month later, you can exchange or return them!). The women working in the Lingerie department at Nordstrom know they're stuff. Ask them if the bra fits appropriately, ask them if the Spanx look like they fit right.
Tip 5: Be incredibly relieved when she says they fit perfectly and that's how they're supposed to look.
You mean my fat is supposed to be rolling under the garment like this? I'm supposed to be muffin-topping over the top of these at my bust line? Oh.... Okay. Oh wow, with my jeans and a tight cami over them you can't even tell my fat was bulging. How is that possible?
Tip 6: It doesn't freaking matter how it's possible.
Tip 7: Get out of the store as quickly as you can.
I would love to say that the initial medium not fitting was the only time I almost cried, but honestly, seeing my fat bulging in those last few steps was just as painful. I know the Spanx really will help when I have the appropriate clothing (AKA a wedding dress) over them, but gosh that was rough.
So, in conclusion. If you're ever feeling good about your body, I've found the cure. Go try on Spanx. Then go cry into your kale salad - no dressing.
Any tips for how to rock Spanx without feeling like a whale? I swear I'm not that large but those skin tight, meant to really suck you in clothing items are harsh on a girls confidence!
Oh and PS. most bridal boutiques will have some different bras you can try with different dresses so you likely don't need to bring one. I just didn't even have a strapless bra so I figured, two birds with one stone - good investment and all that bla bla bla.